The cartoon “Non – Sequitur” once ran a series of cartoons illustrating why husbands and wives struggle to communicate. Here’s the first one: A husband is walking past his wife who lies in bed sick. An explanatory balloon above them has these words: What she heard…. The husband says, “You don’t expect me to take care of the kids, clean the house and make dinner do you?” That’s what she heard. But in the next frame, the balloon has these words: What he said… And the man says, “Feeling any better honey?”
Here’s a second one: A wife is at a table reading the newspaper. The husband is standing nearby. A balloon above them contains these words: What She Heard… The husband says, It’s your lot in life to stop whatever it is you’re doing in order to serve my every need. That’s what she heard. But in the next frame, the balloon contains these words: What He Said… The husband says, Honey…do you know if we have any more triple-a-batteries?
One more: A husband and wife are sitting on a couch watching television. The balloon above them contains these words: What He Heard… The wife says, Honey, why don’t you put your head in a vice and I’ll turn the handle until your skull explodes. That’s what he heard. But in the next frame the balloon contains these words: What She Said… The wife says, Honey, why don’t we turn off the TV and just talk.
There is no doubting it: relationships can be hard. It can be hard to communicate with your spouse. It can be hard to deal with difficult co-workers. It can be hard to know how to handle hovering parents. Our lives are filled with relationships. And those relationships can be hard.
They certainly were in the lives of those reading Romans. History and documents in the New Testament tell us that at one time this church in Rome was filled with two ethnic groups. One was made of former Jews who had become Christians but who carried some of their Jewish preferences into their Christian faith. The second was made of former pagans, also called Gentiles, who had become Christians. These two ethnic groups mixed uneasily in the church at Rome. But then Jews and Jewish Christians were expelled from the city of Rome. As a result, the church was left mostly with Christians from a pagan or Gentile background. Eventually the Jewish Christians were allowed back into Rome. But they didn’t like what they came back to. All the elders in the church were now Gentile. The worship service had taken on a decidedly Gentile flavor. The preacher said things that the Gentiles liked, but the Jewish Christians didn’t. And now the Jewish Christians wanted some of their own kind nominated to the eldership. They wanted some of their own traditions back in the worship service. Tensions were high. And relationships in the church became very, very difficult.
So Paul writes this letter called Romans. As we heard last Sunday there is a significant image in the letter which summarizes the Christian faith: altar/ offering/ sacrifice. We saw how that image summarizes what God does. Here is how Paul put it in Rom. 3:25: God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. (Rom. 3:25 TNIV) The Christian message is that God presents or offers his son on the altar for us. That’s what Rom. 1-11 focuses on. That’s what God does. In Rom. 12 Paul summarizes our response to what God does: 1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is true worship. (Rom. 12:1 TNIV). The Christian life, Paul writes, is us climbing up on an altar and saying with gratitude, “Because you have given me yourself, I now give you myself.”
But, as I mentioned last Sunday, the twist of the Christian faith is that God takes us, he takes the offering of ourselves, and he gives it to others. This becomes clear when we read the verses immediately following Rom. 12:1-2. For example, in Rom. 12:3-8 Paul gives instructions about how to relate to each other as we serve in ministry together. Then, Paul moves into Rom. 12:9-21 with counsel on how to build healthy relationships. What is Paul saying? Paul is saying that the Christian life is primarily about how we offer ourselves to others. The best way to offer ourselves to God is to offer ourselves to others. In other words, Paul is saying that relationships are the heart of our offering to God. Besides our devotion to him, what God wants most is our devotion to other people. Paul believes that the primary arena in which our faith is worked out and expressed is relationships. Do you believe that? Do you believe that the Christian life is more about the way you interact with and invest in the lives of people than it is about how much money you give, how much Scripture you memorize, or how many times you come to the church building? If this is true, it has tremendous implications. It means that we can measure the trueness of our Christian life by the quality of our relationships. As hard as relationships are, Paul wants us to know that they are central to the way we offer ourselves to God. They may be hard, but they are a genuine indicator of how authentic our faith truly is.
And throughout Rom. 12:9-21 Paul reveals specific ways in which we can offer ourselves to other people and thus become the offering God wants us to be. For the next four weeks we’ll explore these offerings and learn how to prioritize and nurture the relationships in our lives.
Here’s how Paul beings this section: 9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. (Rom. 12:9-10a TNIV). One thing ties together these seemingly unrelated teachings: the idea of passion. Each of these phrases contains the idea of infusing passion into our relationships. Paul wants us to be people who are passionate about relationships. Let’s listen to how this unfolds.
First, Paul writes this: Love must be sincere. The word translated “sincere” is literally “unhypocritical.” Paul urges us to practice a love in our relationships that has no hypocrisy. What is hypocrisy? Many of us think of a hypocrite as someone who says one thing but does another. In the context of relationships, it would be someone who says “I love you” or “I respect you” but then acts in ways that deny those words. It’s the father who says “I love you” when his son walks off to school but never shows up at his son’s sports events. It’s the friend who says “I’ll call you” but never does.
Paul urges us to practice a love that has no hypocrisy. Elsewhere, Peter uses this same word: Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth, so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart. (1 Pet. 1:22 TNIV) Our relationships should be characterized by a love that is sincere, deep, and from the heart—not superficial, not hypocritical. John writes this : Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1 John 3:18 TNIV) That’s an unhypocritical kind of love.
In other words, Paul is calling for a passion for authenticity in our relationships. We are to passionately practice authenticity in our relationships. We should do what we say. Our actions should match our words.
The film “The Patriot” tells of fictional, though believable, events which happened during the revolutionary war.[1] In one scene a young man named Gabriel opens the door of the church in his small town where a memorial service is being held. The service is for men from the town who have been killed by British soldiers. Gabriel addresses Reverend Oliver, who is standing in the pulpit. “Reverend, with your permission, I’d like to make an announcement. The South Carolina militia is being called up. I’m here to enlist every man willing.” But rather than rise immediately to join the fight, the families explain why their loved ones should not have to join the militia and risk their lives. They all want freedom from the British. But they don’t want personally pay the cost for it. Finally, a young woman named Anne stands up and addresses the congregation: “Dan Scott, barely a week ago, I heard you rail for two hours about independence. Mr. Hardwick, how many times have I heard you speak of freedom at my father’s table? Half the men in this church, including you, Father, and you, Reverend, are as ardent patriots as I. Will you now, when you are needed most, stop only at words?” They talked of wanting freedom. But they wouldn’t translate talk into actions. Sadly, that too often describes our approach to relationships. We want strong marriages, strong families, rewarding friendships, and productive partnerships at work. We talk of such things. But our talk never translates into action. We want good relationships but we’re not willing to personally pay the cost for them. That’s a hypocritical kind of love. But Paul is calling us to no longer stop with words. He’s calling us to put those words and those wishes into action. If we want to offer ourselves to God, we will offer this kind of sincere love in our relationships.
Next, Paul writes this: Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. (Rom. 12:9 TNIV). The word translated “hate” literally means “abhorring,” or “loathing.” We’re not talking about mild dislike. We’re talking hate—something we are passionately against. We are to loath evil. Remember, this command comes in the context of a discussion about relationships. So, here’s what I think Paul’s saying. We are to be passionate about eliminating the evil that hurts our relationships.
I remember reading a book with Kendra years ago by Willard Harley called Love Busters. Harley identified behaviors which tend to erode marriages. Here are his “love busters”: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty. As Kendra and I read that book together I could see how I was often guilty of those Love Busters. But years later, I still behave in some of those ways. I’ve come to tolerate them in my marriage. I have no passion for eliminating them. But Paul urges us to hate these things: Hate what is evil. Paul wants us to have a passion for eliminating the evil that hurts our relationships. Think about your behaviors which are hurting your relationship with your friend, your neighbor, your boss, your children, or your parents. Paul urges you to have a passion for eliminating that evil from that relationship.
Positively, Paul wants us to cling to what is good: Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. (Rom. 12:9 TNIV). This word translated “cling” literally means “glued.” Paul wants us to glue ourselves to what is good. In the context of relationships, here’s what I think Paul’s saying: we are to be passionate about holding on to the good behaviors that nurture relationships in our lives.
What are the good behaviors that build up your relationship with your kids, your spouse, your coworkers, or the people in your Reach Group? We might call those Love Builders. I talked about Love Busters. But let’s consider Love Builders. What are the actions and behaviors that do the most to build your relationships? Is it speaking words of encouragement? Is it picking up around the house? Is it calling every Friday? Whatever it is, Paul urges us to never let go of it.
Though I have allowed some Love Busters to linger in my marriage, there are some Love Builders I do with passion. One of those is housework. Especially because both Kendra and I work full-time I am consistent and passionate about doing half of the work it takes to keep the Altrock household functioning. I have clung to that for our twenty years of marriage, because I know it builds our marriage. Whatever promotes growth and health in your relationships, you should passionately practice. One of the ways we offer ourselves fully to God is by passionately eliminating the evil that hurts our relationships and clinging to the good that builds our relationships.
Finally, Paul writes this: 10 Be devoted to one another in love. (Rom. 12:9-10a TNIV). Paul uses two terms in this sentence which both carry the idea of treating other people as family. One is the word from which the city of Philadelphia is named—the city of brotherly love. It is a love typical of that which exists between family members. The second word is one which describes the love which exists in a family. The Contemporary English Version translates this verse in this way: “Love each other as brothers and sisters.”
Paul wants these Gentile Christians and these Jewish Christians to start seeing each other as brother and sister. Paul calls for a passion for treating others as family. Paul wants us to see those with whom we are in relationship as family. Especially when it comes to the Christians we worship with, work with, attend Sunday School and Reach Groups, he wants us to learn to treat each other as family.
Mark Buchanan writes about a time several years ago when a friend assembled Buchanan and other friends to help lay sod in the back yard.[2] The sun was shining. The friend had fresh coffee and cinnamon rolls. All of the men there were close friends and liked each other immensely. The friend, Al, said: “Guys, do you realize something? This is it! This is it!” Buchanan asked, “Al, this is what?“ Al responded: “This is community.“ But Buchanan said, “Al, this is great, but I don’t think this is it. I like you all too much. Add a person or two to this company who lacks social graces, who looks different, who’s needy, smelly, and irritating. If we truly loved a person like that, then that would be it.“ About a year later a woman named Wanda arrived on the scene. She was not like any of those men, or like anyone else at their church. She was a heavy drinker. And she was sexually immoral. But, she was desperate for God. She called the church one day, wondering if she could see a minister. Buchanan and another man met with her. She told them the troubled story about her life. Buchanan told her the story of the woman at the well in John 4 and asked if she would like that living water. Wanda said ,”Yes!” And she became a Christian. As Buchanan and the other minister talked to her about church, they said, “Now, Wanda, this Sunday will be your first time in church. Don’t feel you have to fit in right away. You can sit at the back if you like, come late, leave early. Whatever is comfortable.” Wanda looked at him sideways. “Why would I do that?” she said. “I’ve been waiting for this all my life.” That Sunday, Wanda was the first to arrive. She sat at the front and loudly affirmed everything Buchanan preached. She was the last to leave. The next Sunday, she came again and brought a friend—someone very much like her and very unlike the rest of the congregation. Buchanan preached on servant-hood. When it was time for communion, Buchanan asked the group which the church called “Servant Leaders” to start passing the trays. All Wanda heard Buchanan say was “servant” and she knew that’s what she wanted to be. So she walked to the front of the church to help serve communion. Buchanan flinched. Here was this former drunkard and immoral woman, now a new Christian, wanting to help serve communion. What should he do? In the end, he treated like family. He leaned over to Wanda and said, “Since this is your very first time doing this, do you mind if I help?“ And so that Sunday Buchanan and Wanda served communion. Buchanan wrote this: The best part was watching the faces of the people I love and serve and pray for and preach to. Not one flinched.
That’s what Paul’s calling for. That’s how to offer ourselves to God—by treating other people like family, no matter how unlike the rest of us they are.
Of course these qualities are best demonstrated by God. On that altar, God offered us a love that had no hypocrisy. He didn’t stop only with words. He loved in action. On that altar, God loathed the sin that divided us from him. And God clung stubbornly to the actions that would restore us to him, even at great cost. And on that altar, God treated us, though we are so very unlike him, like family. Because God gave himself to us in this way, we can give ourselves to others in the same way.
We want to close this morning by giving you a chance to put into practice perhaps the most practical part of today’s text: cling to what is good. As we sing this next song, I’d like you to consider one behavior or Love Builder you know would benefit a relationship in your life if you passionately practiced it this week. What is a positive behavior you can cling to this week to build up a relationship with a friend, a family member, a coworker, or someone else? Write that down on that heart-shaped piece of paper, keep that paper handy this week, and put that behavior into action this week. That’s how offer yourself to God.
[1] The Patriot (Columbia Pictures, 2000) directed by Roland Emmerich.
[2] Mark Buchanan, “This Is It, ” Leadership (Spring 2008).
