I heard a story about an elderly couple who couldn’t get along. Though they had been married for 60 years, they constantly argued and engaged in shouting contests. Even when they had to move into a nursing home, they kept fighting. The couple spit and spat from breakfast time to bed time. It became so bad that the nursing home threatened to throw them out. Finally, the wife said to her husband: “I’ll tell you what, Joe, let’s pray that one of us dies. And after the funeral is over, I’ll go live with my sister.“ The story is an imaginary example of a real fact in life: relationships don’t always work out the way we hope.
Terry Bradshaw and Lynn Swann both played football for the Pittsburgh Steelers. In his book Keep It Simple, Bradshaw writes about the conflict that developed between him and Swann. Swann believed that Bradshaw purposely threw to other Steelers receivers even when Swann was open. This, Swann believed, contributed to him not gaining more receptions and thus not being inducted into the National Football League Hall of Fame. When Swann finally was inducted, he was bitter. On that great day, Swann said, “Bradshaw did not seem like he wanted to throw the ball in my direction… Reflecting on the jab, Bradshaw wrote this: And I kept thinking how sad it was that he chose what should have been one of the greatest days of his life to create this controversy. Why let the past spoil such a wonderful day? Relationships don’t always work out the way we hope. Some of you still blame your parents for something they did or didn’t do. Some of you teens or college students are still irritated at the way some friend or teacher treated you earlier this week. I’m certain some of you who are married carry baggage because of something your spouse once said. Relationships don’t always work out the way we hope.
This was true for the Christians reading Romans. As we’ve seen, in Rom. 12:9-21 Paul writes to these Christians about relationships. But he devotes the greatest amount of text to this one troubling issue. Paul writes about the way in which relationships don’t always work out. For instance, Paul writes about how some people are “persecuting” some of the readers (12:14). Some of the readers are being treated in an “evil” way (12:17). According to 12:20 some of the readers have people in their lives who act like “enemies.”
Some scholars argue that most of this bad blood was found in the relationships these Christians had with non-Christians. Jewish and pagan leaders were making life hard for these Christians. But it is also likely that some of the bad blood was found the relationships these Christians had with each other. Given all we’ve heard about how difficult it was for the two ethnic groups in church to get along, it wouldn’t be surprising if some of the persecution, evil, and enemy behavior was taking place inside the church. Sometimes even our Christian relationships don’t work out as we had hoped.
And Paul’s words to those reading Romans indicate that he feared they would respond to this difficulty in unproductive ways. He highlights four common reactions to relationship problems. First, Paul urges his readers not to “curse” those who treat them poorly (12:14). He asks them not to “repay the evil” (12:17)—that is, to not treat the other person the way the person treated them. He tells his readers not to take “revenge” (12:19). And finally he begs them not to be “overcome” by the relationship problems (12:21). These are common reactions to bad blood. Paul urges them to avoid these reactions.
But those reactions are the very ones we are most likely to have. The Chicago Tribune carried the story of two neighbors.[1] One neighbor, Jean, built a new fence on her property. Her neighbor, Michael, was concerned about the way the fence created a dark area behind his garage. Michael was afraid that gang members might hide there. So Michael complained to Jean. Jean complained back. She pointed out how Michael would put his recycling bins on the public parkway in front of her home and the grass would die. Jean told Michael to stop this. But Michael wouldn’t let it go. Whenever leaves would fall on his lawn, he would blow them onto Jean’s property. He purchased a fake security camera and aimed it at Jean’s yard. Jean retaliated. She physically removed Michael’s recycling bins which were killing the grass. That winter she called the police and claimed Michael was plowing snow onto her property. She purchased new shades and drapes to cover her windows from the fake security camera. Finally the local government intervened and passed a law forbidding Michael from putting his recycling bins close to Jean’s home. Michael defied the ordinance ten times. The case is now in court.
Reuters news source carried the story a few years ago about a couple in Sweden.[2] Their marriage was a wreck. The wife eventually filed for divorce. When she did, the husband went ballistic. He cashed in their investments for a total of $81,300. Then he put the cash in a pile and set it aflame. It’s common for us and for others to react to relationship problems with pay-back or revenge or bitterness or anger.
Paul, however, calls for a far different approach to relationship problems: 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Rom. 12:19 TNIV). Paul quotes Deut. 32:35. He makes a critical point about God’s role in our relationships. When it comes to our rocky relationships, God wants to play a role. And here is that role: avenger. God’s role in our rocky relationship is avenger. Whatever rocky relationship you might have—a family relationship, a friendship, an employee-employer situation—that relationship does not merely consist of you and that irritating person. It consists of you, that irritating person, and God. And God’s role in that relationship is avenger. God will take on the role of making sure that justice gets served in that relationship.
I remember a time when I was in middle school and my brother and I were riding bicycles in our small hometown in New Mexico. Some high school boys we didn’t know well saw us and started chasing us in their car. They shouted threatening things at us. We rode to our school building and the boys got out of their car and ran after us. Craig and I pedaled home as fast as we could. We told Dad what had happened. Do you know what he did? He called the Sherriff! Within a few minutes the Sherriff was in our living room getting a description of the boys and their car. On that day, Dad became our avenger. We learned that this rocky relationship didn’t just consist of us and these trouble-making boys. The relationship included my Dad. And Dad was going to make sure those boys got what was coming to them.
That’s the role that God wants to play in our rocky relationships. Paul says, “Move over. Make space in that relationship. Let God play that role that we so frequently want to play ourselves.”
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to wake up tomorrow morning and find that God has struck that other person with leprosy, or rained brimstone on their home, or sent the ten plagues to their workplace. Justice may not come for years. It may not come until Jesus returns. But it will come. God will avenge the wrongs done to you.
How freeing this is! When a spouse cuts you deeply with constant criticism or insensitive comments, you don’t have to unleash your anger and bitterness back. God will avenge the wrong. When a teacher treats you unfairly, you don’t have to find a way to get her back. God will avenge the wrong. We no longer have to carry the heavy burden of revenge or pay-back. We no longer have to carry the dead weight of grudges anymore. God will carry them for us. God will avenge those wrongs. That’s his role.
What then is our role? Here’s how Paul puts it: 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse…17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Rom. 12:14, 17-21 TNIV). Since God takes the role of avenger in our rocky relationships, Paul calls us to take on these roles: First, we take on the role of the one who blesses. Rather than curse, we can bless. The word “bless” has a rich history in Scripture. The first thing God does in his relationship with us is to bless us: 28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” (Gen. 1:28 TNIV). God blesses us by giving us the gifts of fruitfulness and dominion.[3] It is significant that the first interaction God has with us is to bless us. It is God’s way of showing that the primary role he wants to play in relationship with us is the role of one who blesses.
But at some point, God recruits priests to join with him in this role. [4] God teaches the priests how to bless in Num. 6:22-26: 22 The LORD said to Moses, 23 “Tell Aaron and his sons, ‘This is how you are to bless the Israelites. Say to them: 24 ” ‘ “The LORD bless you and keep you; 25 the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; 26 the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.”‘ God invites the priests to join him in this role of blessing.
Much later, Jesus takes up this role. In Mk. 10:16 we find Jesus taking children in his arms and blessing them. In Lk. 24:50 Jesus blesses his disciples.
And now Paul invites us to take up our role as those who bless. We are called to play the role of one who blesses. We are to bless in all areas of life. But we are to especially play that role in our rocky relationships. Rather than revenge, we bless. Rather than payback, we bless.
Further, Paul urges us to take up the role of seeking peace: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Paul acknowledges that peace may not be possible. But our role is to seek it nonetheless. Rather than seek repayment, we seek peace.
In addition, quoting Prov. 25:21-22, Paul urges us to give food and drink to the other person in that rocky relationship. Food and drink are symbolic of any kind act.[5] We are to treat the person with kindness. We are to serve that bothersome person.
And in so doing, we just might overcome all the bad in that relationship. This is probably illustrated by Paul’s words in Rom. 12:20. Paul says that when we treat the other person in this rocky relationship with kindness, we “heap burning coals on his head.” “Burning coals” could be a reference to God’s wrath. This could be another instance of Paul saying that our role is simply to bless and God’s role will be to punish.[6] However, “burning coals” might instead be a reference to the burning remorse and repentance that person will experience when their hatred is met with our kindness. The more we bless someone who is cursing us, the more our blessing may lead them to repentance.[7]
I know of a woman who attended Highland. Years ago she was sexually assaulted by a man. One day this same woman was on the streets of Memphis. And who did she come across but this very same man? He was on drugs or drunk that day. He didn’t even recognize her. But she recognized him. This was the man who nearly ruined her life. None of us would have blamed her for hitting him or mistreating him that day on the street. But instead, she walked to nearby café. She purchased a small lunch. And when she returned to the man, she handed him that lunch. She took up her role as one who blesses.
In connection with their book Is Christianity Good for the World? theologian Douglas Wilson and atheist Christopher Hitchens have hit the road to debate Christianity vs. atheism.[8] At the King’s College debate, Hitchens professed disdain for the biblical admonition to “love your enemies.” He said this teaching is “total nonsense.” Hitchens says he wants to see his enemies destroyed. Yet in spite of this, Wilson, the Christian theologian, and the intellectual enemy of Hitchens, continues to treat Hitchens with love. The debates are heated but Wilson continues to demonstrate love for Hitchens. At one point Wilson countered Hitchens for saying he wanted his enemies destroyed. Wilson said that God doesn’t destroy enemies in the way Hitchens wants enemies destroyed. God destroys enemies by making them friends. And that’s exactly what Wilson is attempting to do with Hitchens.
A friend of mine serves in an urban ministry in Little Rock. Two Sundays ago he baptized a man named Jerry. Jerry’s mother was a prostitute in Saint Louis, MO. When she was eighteen she became pregnant with Jerry. Unwilling to care for him, she clamped off the umbilical cord and tossed Jerry in a dumpster. She discarded him and left him to die. A young couple came jogging by and heard the baby crying. They rescued him and adopted him and raised him. Thirty-nine years later his birth-mother contacted him. She wanted to see him. She wanted to be reconciled. Jerry waited an entire year to reply. And when he did reply, it was with a resounding, “No.” Who can blame him? Who wouldn’t carry that grudge? But the bitterness ate at him. The loneliness took to its toll. Four year later, it led Jerry to my friend in Little Rock and to Jesus. Jerry finally realized that only Jesus could fill that hole in his heart. Two Sundays ago he was baptized. And on the day of his baptism, Jerry prayed for his birth mother. He prayed for God to forgive her. Jerry laid down that bitterness. He laid down that grudge. And he took up his role as one who blesses.
How do we begin? Here’s a simple way to start. In the sermon notes in the Link you’ll find a version of the prayer from Num. 6. We’re going to pray it out loud together. Before we do, I want you to think of a rocky relationship in your life. Think of someone who has mistreated you. Think of a grudge you are carrying. We’re going to pray the prayer out loud. But when we get to the blanks, I’ll leave a few seconds of silence. I want you to silently say that person’s name: LORD, please bless and keep _______________. Make your face shine on ______________. Be gracious to ___________________. Turn your face toward ________________. Give peace to _____________. That’s a step toward taking up our role as those who bless.
We’re going to stand now and sing a couple of songs. As we do, I want to encourage you to do two things. First take up your role as one who blesses. While we sing, make your way to someone here this morning and bless them. If they are visiting and you’ve seen them, go welcome them. If they are struggling with something you know about, go pray with them. If something good is going on with them, go congratulate them. Take this time to bless one another. Second, I invite you to visit the Grudge Shredder. We have two shredders, one up front and one in the middle aisle. As we sing these two songs, go to one of them. Write down a grudge you are carrying. Maybe just write the word grudge. Then feed it into the shredder as a way of laying down that grudge; as a way of saying “I’m not going to play that role in this relationship.”
[1] Lisa Black, “Glenview Neighbors Recycle Feud from Fence to Weeds to Bins on Parkway,” Chicago Tribune (6/04/01).
[2] “Heartbroken by Divorce, Man Burns Family Assets,” Reuters (posted 1/23/03).
[3]Theological Dictionary of the New Testament (Vols. 5-9 edited by Gerhard Friedrich. Vol. 10 compiled by Ronald Pitkin.; ed. Gerhard Kittel et al.;, electronic ed.; Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1964-c1976), 2:757.
[4]Theological Dictionary of the New Testament (Vols. 5-9 edited by Gerhard Friedrich. Vol. 10 compiled by Ronald Pitkin.; ed. Gerhard Kittel et al.;, electronic ed.; Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1964-c1976), 2:758.
[5] Thomas Schreiner Romans Baker Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament (Baker, 1998), 674.
[6] also Thomas Schreiner Romans Baker Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament (Baker, 1998), 674.
[7]D. A. Carson, New Bible Commentary : 21st Century Edition (Rev. ed. of: The new Bible commentary. 3rd ed. / edited by D. Guthrie, J.A. Motyer. 1970.;, 4th ed.; Leicester, England; Downers Grove, Ill., USA: Inter-Varsity Press, 1994), Ro 12:9.
[8] Nate Wilson, “On the Road with Atheism,” www.christianitytoday.com (10-29-08).
