Several months ago, Hal Runkel spoke at Highland. He is the author of a widely read book entitled Scream Free Parenting. That’s a great title isn’t it? On our worst days, if there is just one thing we parents wish we could do, it’s become a scream free parent. In his book Runkel quotes one parent who makes a disturbing yet profound statement: “In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul.”[1] Today is Mother’s Day. And perhaps that quote ring true for those of you who are mothers or for those of you who are fathers. Parenting can make you lose your mind—it can drive you crazy. But it can also help you find your soul. There’s something deeply fulfilling about parenting.
Runkel goes on to talk about the losing your mind part. He writes that “Far too often we [parents] feel overwhelmed. We feel overstretched, overcommitted, underprepared, and underappreciated… As a result, most of us feel a gnawing sense of inadequacy. We don’t just feel like bad parents, we feel like failures.”[2]
I hope that’s not true for you this morning. But I suspect that some of us at times feel that way. We feel inadequate. We feel underprepared. And sometimes we don’t just feel like bad parents, we feel like failures.
As a result, we parents often look for help. We often grasp for models. We hope to find something that really works when it comes to this frustrating yet fulfilling occupation called parenthood.
In Ephesians Paul addresses this issue. From Eph. 5:18 through Eph. 6:4 Paul writes about marriage and parenting. This teaching will be the focus of our new series called “Reframing the Modern Family.” Today, Mother’s Day, and on Father’s Day, we’ll explore what Paul writes here about parenting. During the four Sunday’s in between we’ll explore what Paul writes about marriage.
The first thing to notice about Paul’s counsel on parenting is his word “right”: 1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right (Eph. 6:1ESV). (Incidentally, I’m going to stop posting most Scriptures on the sermon slides because I want to you to bring your Bible and read the sermon Scriptures in your Bible. If you don’t have one, please borrow one from the rack in the back.) The word “right” means “fitting.” It refers to “what is best” and to “what works.” Paul is saying, “The counsel I’m giving you works—it creates the best scenario possible.” Later, in vs. 3, quoting one of the Ten Commandments, Paul will say that what he’s writing here about parenthood can lead to things “going well” and people “living long.” That is, this model of parenting which Paul is writing about in this chapter leads to a good life and a stable society. It is right. It works. What Paul wants us to know at the outset is this: God’s model of parenting works. If you parent God’s way, it works. That doesn’t mean there won’t be troubles. That doesn’t mean grown children won’t make bad decisions that impact them for the rest of their lives. But this model is the only model which gives parents and children the best possible chance in the world. If you’ve been listening to your parents, to your peers, or to the publishing industry and haven’t really been listening to God’s counsel on parenting, you’ve missed what really works. Paul is calling us to let God shape our parenting.
What is this model? In this short text, Eph. 6:1-4, Paul provides 4 pieces to the puzzle of parenting. There is a piece labeled “Children”; a piece labeled “Church”; a piece labeled “Parents”; and a piece labeled “Lord”. And in order for parenting to work these four pieces have to be fitted together in the right way.
Notice the first word of Paul’s teaching: 1Children… (Eph. 6:1 ESV). This is a letter, according to Eph. 1:1, addressed to “the saints who are in Ephesus.” This is a letter addressed to the church meeting in the city of Ephesus. According to Eph. 6:21 this letter has been delivered to that church by a man named Tychicus. Presumably, Tychicus is now reading this letter out loud as the church has gathered for worship. Since Paul can’t be there to preach “live,” his sermon which he has written in this letter is being read aloud by Tychicus. And when Tychicus gets to this point in his sermon, he addresses specific individuals in the congregation: husbands, wives, slaves, etc. Here, he addresses children: 1 Children… Tychicus is now looking at the children present in the worship gathering and he’s going to speak Paul’s words to them.
That word “Children” means that children were present in that congregation as they gathered together for worship. These are probably older children, who are followers of Jesus, as evidenced by the rest of this text. It means that children were a welcomed presence in that congregation in Ephesus. It means you could take for granted that children were loved and valued in that church and no one would have imagined a church where children weren’t present. Paul doesn’t say, “Parents, please pass this along to your children later at home…” He doesn’t write, “Children’s ministers and Youth ministers, please share these instructions with your kids when you meet later for class.” Paul assumes that the children are present and that they are worthy of being addressed by him.
Thus the first two pieces of the puzzle of parenting which Paul connects are the “Church” and “Children” pieces. It’s too easy to assume that parenting is the sole obligation of parents, as if the only piece Children are connected to is the Parent piece. But the first two pieces Paul reveals to us are the “Children” and “Church” pieces. Paul seems to be saying this: children are to be valued in the church. The fact that Paul addresses the children who are in this church suggests that children are to be valued in the church.
In God’s model, parents are not left out in the cold to raise their children on their own. They are to raise their children in a Christian community. And that community is one that values children, welcomes children, and nurtures children. The entire church takes some responsibility for investing in children.
That means that every person at Highland has a role to play regarding children. God wants Highland to be a community where children are valued and welcomed and nurtured. That’s why our Day School is important. That’s why our Children’s Ministries and Youth Ministries are important. That’s why the elders, ministry leaders, deacons and staff members who work with those ministries are important. They help make it possible for children to be valued in this church. But they aren’t the only people at Highland with a role to play in the lives of children. You have a role to play. Whether or not you have children, whether or not you are married, you’ve been called to participate in a community—the Highland Church—where children are valued. Mother’s Day should compel all of us to volunteer in the nursery, teach children’s classes, lead a teen Huddle, volunteer for WorkCamp, and mentor and encourage each young person at Highland. These two pieces are the first pieces to put into place: Children and Church.
Let’s move to the next two pieces. Looking at this first set of connected pieces—Children and Church—it can be easy to reach the wrong conclusion. We might conclude that the church bears the primary responsibility for raising children. That is, in fact, a conclusion which many have wrongly reached. Too many parents have turned the spiritual education of their children entirely over to the church. The dominant paradigm on which many Children’s Ministries and Youth Ministries is based is this one: parents take their children to church and leave the spiritual development of their children up to the church. And the parents absolve themselves of being engaged in the spiritual well-being of their children. They don’t read the Bible with their children at home. They don’t pray with their children at home. They don’t engage in spiritual experiences with their children. Too many parents wrongly assume that it’s the church’s responsibility to lead their children to faith.
But notice how Paul pieces other things together: 1”Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:1-4 ESV). The primary relationship in this text is the one between children and parents. The relationship between children and the church takes place within the context of the relationship between children and parents. Parents are the ones singled out as those who bear the primary responsibility for bringing up their children. The church does not bring children up. The church assists parents in bringing children up. The church doesn’t do your parenting for you. The church assists parents in bringing children up.
This is one of the biggest paradigms which churches and Christians parents have wrestled with in the past twenty years. The church does not bring children up. The church assists parents in bringing children up. The job of our Children’s Ministers Michelle Betts, Stephanie Howell, and Dawn Gilreath is not to raise your children. Their job is to assist you in raising your children. The job of our Youth Ministers Buster Clemens, Donnie Stover and Kristen Shoulders is not to raise your teens. Their job is to assist you in raising your teens.
Paul’s is a model which acknowledges the important role of parents. There has been a lot of press lately about whether stay-at-home-mothers actually “work.” Does parenting constitute work? Political strategists Hilary Rosen recently sparked a debate when she said “Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life.” Ann Romney is a stay-at-home mother. The comment has been taken out of context a bit. But it has nonetheless fueled an important conversation: is parenting work? Paul would passionately stand and say “Yes.” In fact, he would say it is the most important work of a mother and a father. Today as many as 70% of mothers work outside the home.[3] Yet the most critical work, the most enduring work, the most important work of mothers and fathers is that of parenting. The church does not bring children up. The church assists parents in bringing children up. If you are a mother or a father, your most important work is to raise you children up in the Lord. If anything else is getting in the way of that, you need to do whatever is necessary to change it. God is calling you fathers to embrace your role as father. God is calling you mothers to embrace your role as a mother. There’s no greater work.
Perhaps the most frequently misplaced piece of Paul’s puzzle is the piece which says “Lord.” Even if we get Church, Children, and Parents in the right places, if we don’t also get “Lord” in the right place, the other pieces don’t matter. Notice Paul’s opening and closing words: 1Children, obey your parents in the Lord…4…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Notice the reference point: “the Lord.” Children and teens – your relationship with your parents is part of a larger relationship you have with the Lord. Parents – your relationship with your children is part of a larger relationship you have with the Lord. And it’s that relationship with the Lord that is most important relationship. Paul is making it very clear here: Parents bring children up to serve the Lord. Ultimately that’s what the church is assisting parents in—to bring children up to serve the Lord. And that’s the ultimate work of parents—to bring their children up to serve the Lord.
In his book Think Orange Reggie Joiner writes that too often the real goal of parenting is simply to keep the kids happy:[4] Even though most parents genuinely believe their jobs aren’t to make their children happy, they often get worn down and give in. If you’re a parent, you don’t like it when your kids are in a bad mood. Things are just easier when everybody is happy. You are happy when they are happy, so you’ll watch a blue dog on a television, eat McNuggets, buy pet turtles, listen to the Wiggles, and mortgage your house if their happiness is at stake. You don’t want them to be spoiled; you just want them to be happy. I’m afraid that too often for many of us the goal of parenting comes down to this: make the kids happy. The goal of leading a Huddle or teaching a children’s Bible class or even mentoring a young person can come down to this: make the kids happy. Life is tough. Life is stressful. And if we can just keep the kids happy, the stress and anxiety is decreased. But Paul is saying the goal of parenting is not to make kids happy. The goal is to make kids holy. The goal is not to make kids satisfied. The goal is to make them sanctified. Highland’s primary objective regarding children is to help them become servants of God. And job number one for you as a parent, no matter how stressed or tired or worn out you are, is to raise children up to serve the Lord.
Author and preacher Tony Campolo says that when his wife, Peggy, was at home fulltime with their children and someone would ask, “And what is it that you do, my dear?” she would respond, “I am socializing two Homo sapiens into the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might be instruments for the transformation of the social order into the kind of eschatological utopia that God willed from the beginning of creation.”
Then Peggy would ask the other person, “And what do you do?”[5] Here was a mother who saw the glory of the work she’d been called to. We’re not just here to raise happy children. We’re here to help children and teens become instruments for the transformation of the entire social order that God has willed from the beginning of creation. We’re here to help children serve the Lord.
Parenting Beyond Belief is a resource for parents who don’t believe in God.[6] The book exists to help parents raise children who will not serve God. Nonbelievers, both well-known and unknown, have contributed essays to Parenting Beyond Belief. One chapter explains how to talk to children about death without talking heaven. The author recommends telling children, “No, honey, Grandpa won’t come home for Christmas. He died and is dead for always.” When you put it that way, raising children to not serve God sounds so tragic and so ludicrous. Who could imagine intentionally parenting children so they don’t serve in God? Yet, practically, I wonder how many Christian parents are doing something similar? They believe in God and they go to church but they don’t do anything intentional to help their children serve the Lord. They do little to make faith real and a practical part of daily life. And as a result, they miss the greatest role they have as a parent.
Monica was married to a difficult man. [7] Together, they had three children. While she desperately longed to see all her children grow in the Lord, her son gave her great cause for worry. He would often steal pears from the neighbor’s tree, delighting in the act. He pursued many lusts passionately. He embraced a non-Christian philosophy. And more than once he ran away from home. Yet persistently Monica would reach out to him. She tried and tried to show him the God who loved him and called him to so much more. And, above all, she prayed. Monica prayed and wept for her wayward son. Later the son would write how his mother “wept to [God] for me, shedding more tears for my spiritual death than other mothers shed for the bodily death of a son.” After years of striving and supplication Monica’s persistence and prayers paid off. Her son embraced the Christian faith. In fact, Monica lived to see her son become a Christian leader. Though she could not know it, he would go on to become one of the most influential Christian leaders in human history. Before dying, she told her son, “There was one reason, and one alone, why I wished to remain a little longer in this life, and that was to see you a…Christian before I died.” God granted this mother’s wish. Her son’s name was Augustine. Augustine shaped Christian thought for centuries. He became the man he was largely because of the way his mother embraced her role as a parent. She was driven passionately by one goal: to see her children become servants of the Lord.
[1] Hal Runkel, Scream Free Parenting, 3.
[2] Ibid., 15-16.
[4] Reggie Joiner, Think Orange: Imagine the Impact When Church and Family Collide… (David C Cook, 2009), 43.
[5] John Ortberg and Ruth Haley, An Ordinary Day with Jesus (Zondervan, 2001), p. 12
[6] Lisa Miller, “BeliefWatch How To,” Newsweek (7-16-07), p. 10
