How God Showed Up When I Shut Up for a Month (30 Days of Mostly Silence-Day 30)

I’ve been mostly silent for 30 days.

During these 30 days a Spiritual Director has guided me through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises. These are a set of 500 year old readings/prayers/practices developed by a man named Ignatius. I devoted 6-9 hours of silence each weekday to these exercises, and 4-5 hours of silence on Saturdays and Sundays. Part of this time was spent in my home office. Part of it was spent in other places in Memphis, TN including Herb Parson’s Lake, the Memphis Botanic Garden, St. Columba Episcopal Retreat Center, Shelby Farms, the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception, Baptist Hospital (a story for another time), as well as the Scarritt Bennett Center in Nashville, TN. Generally the time was comprised of four elements: 1) reading and meditating upon a Gospel text and a Psalm; 2) talking to and listening to God regarding those texts; 3) processing these spiritual conversations every day by phone with my Spiritual Director; and 4) “wasting time with God” (e.g., just hanging out with God). There were four overarching categories that we focused on (these are prescribed by Ignatius): 1) my sin and God’s grace; 2) the life and ministry of Jesus; 3) the suffering and death of Jesus; and 4) the resurrection of Jesus.

It’s now time for what Jesuit author Kevin O’Brien calls “Gathering the Graces.” It’s time to pick and reflect on the fruit which has grown over this month. As a way for me to do just that, and for you to learn from my experience, I’ll share some of the most significant graces given to me in this quiet time.

1. The ground of spiritual growth: The birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus provide the ultimate ground for building a spiritual life. Ignatius focused the Exercises on Jesus, presumably because he believed a focus upon Jesus was the surest way to move into deeper spiritual waters. Importantly, he did not focus solely on the cross, or solely on the miracles of Jesus, or some other single element regarding Jesus. He believed the whole Jesus Story, from birth to re-birth, was the critical ground upon which spiritual growth took place. Over these 30 days of meditating upon Jesus, I discovered the truth of this for myself. That’s not to say that other parts of Scripture are unfruitful. It is to say that absorbing and dwelling in the Christ Story is of highest priority for spiritual growth.  And, it is to say that it is insufficient to only dwell on the ends of that Story (as “conservative” Christians have done (e.g., Jesus’ birth and death)) or the middle of that Story (as “liberal” Christians have done (e.g., Jesus’ miracles and teachings) (see N. T. Wright’s How God Became King). We need the whole gospel to achieve wholeness (see my post on this).
2. The aim of spiritual growth: Spirituality is intended to be Trinitarian. Up until now, I realized, my own spiritual life has focused mainly on relating to/praying to the Father, secondarily to Jesus, and rarely on the Spirit. During these 30 days, however, I was urged to pray to all 3, listen to all 3, and consider the images I carry in my mind for all 3. I learned that I rarely thought of the Spirit in warm and personal terms. I also learned that my image of Jesus was more distant that I had realized. Throughout the 30 days I endeavored to relate personally and intimately to all three. Not only do we need the whole Gospel as the context for spiritual growth, we need the whole Trinity as the aim of spiritual growth. Our goal should be deeper intimacy with all 3, and a love for others which grows out of that intimacy.
3. The role of silence: Silence is the unequaled crucible for spiritual growth (see my post on this in an earlier series). For many years I have practiced daily times of silence for about 20 minutes. In addition, seven years ago I went on a self-directed 2 day silent retreat at the hermitages of St. Columba in Memphis. Last summer I attended a guided 5 day Ignatian silent retreat at Spring Hill College in Mobile, AL. Thus, I’ve long been a believer that God shows up when we shut up. But after 30 days of mostly silence, I’m an even bigger believer. There were many days when the richest insights or connections with God came only after 5 or 6 hours of contemplation on just 1 story or even 1 phrase within that story. On some days I would write a blog post to capture some insights after 3 or 4 hours of silence (here’s the series), only to later, after more silence, gain an even greater insight from that same text. I’m persuaded that the level of my spiritual growth is directly linked to my level of silence. One of my commitments is to spend more and longer periods of silence on a regular basis.
4. How God speaks: God speaks through 1) texts, 2) our imagination, and 3) our emotions. Part of what I practiced during these 30 days was a very extended form of Lectio Divina, a way of reading Scripture in which I ask God for one word or phrase in that text which he is choosing to use to speak to me. I might read the assigned Gospel text or Psalm over and over, striving to be sensitive to one word or phrase in that text which stands out. Then I consider what God may be saying to me through it.  I learned, however, to take this a step further. The Spiritual Exercises encourage the use of imagination-imagining myself as one of the figures in the Gospel story. I consider the sights, the sounds, the smells, etc. I consider what that person in that Gospel story was thinking or feeling. And, again, I consider what God may be saying to me as certain details catch my attention–details that are not written in the text but which emerge as I imagine myself within that text. I was further instructed in the practice of imaginative conversation with God. Repeatedly, my director urged me to imagine the Father, or Jesus, or the Spirit speaking directly to me in their own words regarding the issues that were rising out of that text. Finally, I was trained in listening to God speak through my emotions. Ignatian spirituality focuses on experiences of desolation and consolation. These are very nuanced ways of speaking about the way in which God or Satan is moving within our hearts. My director regularly asked me “What’s the inclination of your heart?” Paying attention to these stirrings and emotions and learning to read them are central to hearing God in the silence.
5. The people and tools God uses. During these 30 days I recommitted to the use of certain spiritual tools and learned new tools which helped me to be silent/or listen. (See my post here.) The greatest “tool” God used, however, was my Spiritual Director, Jackie Halstead. She pushed me deeper, gave practical advice, asked pointed questions, listened and ultimately helped me listen to God better.  Two tools I’m going to focus more on as I leave these 30 days are 1) a Spiritual Director and 2) the daily Examen.
6. If the 30 days were a tapestry, here are some of the threads which made up that tapestry. Thread #1: Father, Son and Spirit long to love and be loved. From the parable of the prodigal son to the Spiritual Canticle of St John of the Cross, God impressed upon my heart how deeply he longs to love me/us and to be loved by me/us. This seems elementary and hardly “deep.” Yet it is a truth, I believe, which cannot be emphasized too strongly or returned to too often. During these 30 days I experienced the love of the Father, Son and Spirit in rich ways and expressed my love for them in fresh ways (in fact, I renewed my “wedding vows” with the Three (see my post here)). I heard Jesus inviting me to make myself at home in his love.  (See also my posts here, here and here). This is the fundamental commandment–love God with heart, soul, mind and strength. Nothing matters more. If you have this, you have it all-even if you have nothing else. Without this, you have nothing-even if you have everything else.
7. Thread #2: Father, Son and Spirit are always present and the spiritual life is about discerning and responding to that presence (see my post here and here). Brother Lawrence and Frank Laubach call this “practicing the presence of God.” The story in John 21 provides a framework for imagining this. First, the resurrected Jesus reveals himself to his disciples (again) who’ve gone back to work fishing (and, Jesus is still revealing himself to his disciples-to you and to me everywhere we are). Second, the disciples fail to recognize the presence of the resurrected Jesus (and, we disciples are still failing in this). Third, John finally realizes that Jesus is there, as does Peter and both respond enthusiastically (we too, are called to respond each time we recognize that Jesus/Father/Spirit are present). Fourth, Jesus invites them to eat breakfast (thus, sometimes Jesus simply wants to “waste time” with us in relaxed companionship). Fifth, Jesus leads Peter through a painful yet necessary meditation on the nature of his relationship with Jesus and mission with Jesus (Jesus is still eager to meet us where we are and help us deal with these two issues: our relationship with him and our mission with him). The point is that Father, Son and Spirit are always present. We are never truly alone. The spiritual life is about recognizing this and living out the implications of this. Richard Foster advises that this can be done through “Unceasing Prayer.”
8. Thread #3: Satan is likewise always present and the spiritual life is about discerning and defending ourselves from that presence (see my post here). As part of the Spiritual Exercises, Ignatius urged Christians to meditate upon 3 ways in which Satan acts: 1) Satan acts by making demands like a spoiled child. We give in to the demand just to make him leave, but then he demands even more. We must, therefore, learn to stand our ground and not give in to demands. 2) Satan acts like a false lover who wants us to keep our failures and desolations quiet. We must learn, however, to share these with God and with others. 3) Satan acts like a military commander, always looking for a weak spot. We must thus always be engaged in exercises that strengthen our defenses, even when we are not apparently under attack.
9. Thread #4: Jesus is a King, but a King unlike any other (see my post here and here).  Jesus’ crown of thorns, in particular, became for me a very significant symbol during these 30 days. The crown compels my surrender to Jesus. The thorns call for my service for Jesus. The Lordship of Jesus took on new meaning for me during these 30 days.
10. Thread #5: The spiritual life is about my total surrender to God (see my post here). Again and again, in many different ways, this theme emerged during these 30 days. I came to experience Jesus as the one who perfectly surrendered himself to God and God’s purposes. And I heard Jesus urging me to do the same. That action of surrender begins with a prayer of surrender. Just as the cross was the fruit of the prayer he prayed in Gethsemane, so my achieving a life of surrender begins with a commitment to praying for surrender. Thus, Ignatius’ Suscipe prayer took on great importance for me in this time, as did the Ignatian call to indifference-holding lightly to things.
11. Thread #6: Suffering is to be expected as we follow Jesus (see my posts here, here, here, here and here). Jesus was critiqued and/or rejected by his hometown, family, disciples, religious peers, and government. Jesus suffered emotionally and physically. Those of us who follow Jesus cannot expect less.  This, oddly, became very comforting to me. Sometimes I receive unwarranted critique or thoughtless complaint about my commitment to Jesus or my attempts to lead myself or more congregation in the way of Jesus. When this arises, my gut reaction is to be afraid and to consider backing down. But such push-back is just par for the course.  It is to be expected.
12. Thread #7: The spiritual life is a journey. I started and concluded my 30 days by spending time in the labyrinth at Scarritt Bennett.  Labyrinth’s grew out of a desire to provide a pilgrimage experience for Christians who could not make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. In addition, I spent a day meditating on the Stations of the Cross at St. Columba and the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Memphis.  These “stations” began as a way of allowing Christians to experience Jesus’ journey to the cross even if they could not travel to Jerusalem. This journey motif became important to me during the 30 days.  The Stations of the Cross became a kind of parable to me.  That journey took time-so does mine. That journey had moments of difficulty and struggle-so does mine. That journey had people who helped, like Simon-so does mine. That journey involved work along the way, prior to death (e.g., speaking to the women of Jerusalem; tending to his mother)-so does mine. In particular, this motif became important as I wrestled with the gaps between where Jesus was (full surrender of all his life to God) and where I was (partial surrender of parts of my life to God). I heard Jesus urging me to focus on the journey, to remember that this is a process, and to accept that I cannot get to where he is in a short time.
13. Thread #8: Loving others is the ultimate fruit of loving God. Once again, this is about as simple as it gets. But it was a theme literally impressed on my heart over and over for 30 days. Love God. Love neighbor. That’s it. The mission of God is best expressed in my love for others. God filled my heart with renewed passion and compassion for people. I felt called and empowered to engage in the people around me.
14. Thread #9: We are always beginning again. I was reminded, especially in the final week, of the quote attributed to St Benedict: “Always we begin again.” That line has led me to see myself as one who is always beginning, always learning, never fully mastering anything-especially life with God. And though I had some pride as I started these 30 days (“Look at me, I’m about to enter 30 days of silence. I’m very spiritual.), I ended in humility. I feel as if I’m just barely beginning to understand the most basic and fundamental truths about prayer and a life of prayer. I take comfort in beginning again.