Like our experience with Covid-19, when it comes to most suffering, most of us have little control over what happens to us. None of us chose this virus or the many crushing consequences of it. But we do have significant control over what happens in us. That is, we may have no choice at all in whether something bad and traumatic occurs in our lives. But we do have a choice about what we do once that suffering comes.
In her book The How of Happiness Sonja Lyubomirsky cites research that finds that in the aftermath of hardship, people tend to take one of three paths:
- Survival represents a permanent impairment of functioning. This person loses significant motivation to enjoy love, work or leisure.
- Recovery represents a person who suffers from hardship, perhaps is unable to work productively or have satisfying relationships for a while, but who eventually returns to their original level of functioning.
- Thriving represents someone who also suffers from hardship, but who ultimately not only returns to their original level of functioning, but even rises above it. This person experiences things like 1) renewed belief in their ability to endure and prevail; 2) improved relationships, especially discovering who one’s true friends are; 3) feeling more comfortable with intimacy and a greater sense of compassion for others who suffer; 4) developing a deeper and more sophisticated and more satisfying philosophy of life.
In general, what makes the difference is not the degree of the difficulty being faced, but the choices made by the individual in the face of the difficulty. This is not to dismiss how traumatic pain and suffering are, or hard long and arduous the aftermath can be. But it is to say that we have a significant amount of impact on the long-lasting effect of what we’ve suffered and it is possible to not just survive, but to recover and even thrive.
Spiritually, this is deeply influenced by the degree to which we are “rooted and grounded in love” (Eph. 3:17). The love of God represents a safe place in which our roots can grow deep and from which we can draw nutrients, strength and stability. Regardless of what is happening above the soil, beneath that soil the deepest part of who we are can find sustenance and strength. And the love of God represents a solid space where we can remain grounded. No matter how hard those winds blow or that rain falls, this foundation remains firm and fixed. Intentional choices to experience this rooting and grounding can make a vital difference in what we experience in the aftermath of suffering.
