Day 11 of 40 Following the Prayer Steps of Jesus

Unfortunately, I often get in the way of what God is doing through me. I tend to forget about things like my paycheck…I worked for it. But God is the one providing everything in my life. Sometimes I just have to take a step back, open my hand that is clinched around worldly things, and say “Lord all that I have is yours…make me a good steward.” With the things we “work hard” for and when times are going well are the most dangerously forgetful times for me.

I am a “fixer”. I see a situation and I feel the need to go and fix it. The problem is that I don’t have the ability to fix everything. There was a time when that created great frustration in my life. A good friend of mine called me in his office one day and said, “Michelle, you have a savior complex!” He went on to explain what that meant. He was so right! I was spending too much of my time trying to fix things when they were not mine to fix. He went on to also help me understand that I needed to allow God to be in control and to let Him be the “fixer”.

I must confess… I am not totally over my “savior complex”, but I am much better than i use to be. I have been able to recognize God’s role as the ultimate “fixer” and that has allowed me to intercede on behalf of others in prayer and to allow God to be in control.

Whew! A lot of peace in this way of doing things!!!

Thank you God for being almighty and in constant control!

What David said rings true for me, too. I make my to-do lists, and I cross off tasks I complete. I feel very good about what I have accomplished and terrible about the things that don’t go so well. In other words, I act as though I am in charge of my life. We’ve all seen these quotes: “If it’s to be, it’s up to me” or “I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul” (Henley). I see the wrongness of those ideas, yet I seem still to operate as though I believe them.

Especially when things are going well, I forget to acknowledge that God gave me the gifts of intellect, education, family, and opportunity. I also forget to seek his guidance before I make my plans. I tend to make my plans and then ask God to support and bless them.

I’ve appreciated a Henri Nouwen book, “With Open Hands” (and need to read it again). He likens the resistance to praying to resistance of tightly clenched fists. He says that when we are invited to pray, we are asked to open our tightly clenched fists and let go of what we are holding. I need to let go of the desire to be in charge, to direct my own footsteps.

I resonate with each comment above. I so often forget that God is the one providing all I have already, and I get into my “work” mode and my “savior” mode. There are few things I love more than a completely finished to-do list. Yet, Jesus reminds me that there are still somethings that only God can finish.

We had a young patient (we’ll call him Jason) at the Med who had been here for nearly 6 months. His mother was just about as frustrated as she could be. Her son would not talk, yet he had come SO far since his motorcycle accident. Unfortunately rehab would not take him until he could communicate. So she struggled. And I visited — two, maybe three times a week.

I had prayed for Jason and his mom before, but I generally, after I see patients pretty regularly over a long period of time I let patients’ families bring up the need for prayer. On one particular day Jason’s mother was just about as frustrated as she could be. Another mother and her son (also a motorcycle accident victim) had come to visit Jason and his mom. This particular young man and his mother had already come and gone from the Med, and he seemed relatively normal after 14 surgeries. So it just hightened the misery of Jason’s and before I left the room she said, “Chaplain, you’re not getting out of here without praying today!” So I asked her, “Well, what do you specifically want me to pray for?” She told me that her son’s speech therapist just would not pass him so he could go on to rehab, and that he needed to talk to do so. So I prayed for God to make it absolutely certain that Jason would speak — that the speech therapits would have NO choice but to pass him. And then I left, not really giving it a second thought.

The next day I had an urgent message to call the critical waiting room clerk. I called her and she excitedly informed me that Jason’s mom needed to see me RIGHT now. I hurriedly rushed to the room thinking something was wrong. When I go there she just gushed with excitement. “Chaplain HE SPOKE! He has been forming complete sentences ALL day!” I was filled with awe and praise. This had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. NOT ONE THING! And far too often I forget that.

The self-assurance that comes from pride, well, at least in my case, far too often.

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